Food Obsessed

Growing up I always struggled with wanting to lose weight. I wasn't always healthy in my attempts to shed a few pounds either. I remember my parents telling me it wasn't good to obsess over food, and I completely agree. I'd rather be chubby and know I eat healthy, than skinny and starving.

It's still hard though, especially lately since I've gained a decent amount of weight and my attempts to lose the weight have been unsuccessful. It doesn't bother me nearly as much as did when I was a kid though. Now I look back and think, 'Wow, you were so dumb, I'd love to be that size now.'

I'm pretty positive about losing weight though, even though I haven't been able to lose any. I figure it will come off eventually I just have to keep eating right and not worry so much about it. I have a man who loves me just the way I am, and a family who thinks I'm beautiful... so you know what? I'll have to agree with them. I'm just taking it one day at a time and not letting it get to me.

I've noticed though I'm still obsessed with food, but it's not just because of weight loss anymore. Being a diabetic I have no other choice but to focus on what I'm eating. This can be hard, this can be draining, especially for someone who has spent so much of her life wanting to lose weight and being so focused on food.

Who wants to spend all day thinking about that? Nobody should have to be a slave to the food they eat. Sometimes I feel that way. That food rules my life, or at least my diabetes. There are positives that come along with it though.

Sometimes I'll think 'that has way to many carbs and I don't want to have to give myself that much insulin', so I may pick something easier for me to eat.

Sometimes my family and friends remind me I probably shouldn't eat that second cookie, because it's not good for my diabetes (at least it's not because they're worried I'll gain another pound, haha)

In a way it has forced me to learn how to eat healthy and make better choice. It also forced me to get over trying to starve myself to lose weight... which in the long run just makes you gain more weight anyway!

Diabetes taught me how to eat a balanced meal and diet, so thank you for that. It has taught me to accept myself, so thank you for that. It has also taught me that I actually can be in control because diabetes doesn't control me I control her, so thank you for that!

I will give you the finger everyday of my life.

And yes, I do mean the middle finger!

Being a diabetic sucks, lets just face it. I do try to find the brighter side of things and I try to laugh at myself (though few people know what I'm laughing at). My jokes are not funny to anyone, but me. You have to laugh at it though, or it'll just bring you misery. 

So many people in the diabetic community suffer with depression and guilt about there diabetes. I'll be honest, I too, have had my fair share of lows (mentally and physically) dealing with an impossible disorder. I've sat an just cried wishing I didn't have to deal with this. I've asked myself, why me? It's not fair! It's so overwhelming to think for the rest of your life, 24 hours a day 7 days a week, you will be playing the balancing act. You will constantly check your sugar and see if you passed or failed on your attempt to guess your carbs, while also calculating everything else that is going on in your environment that is going to affect your blood sugar. 

Diabetes is the only disease where the medicine you are taking can potentially kill you and your the one who has to guess what the right amount is... that is really scary! Of course, with technology and the help of doctors we are pretty good at guessing, but still it's never perfect and it's still a guess. How many times have I gone low this week? To many to count! 

So everyday I give diabetes the finger! Most the time when I test my sugar I use my middle finger and in my head I'm thinking, yeah take that! F you, diabetes! Then I move on with my day and try my best to roll with the punches of diabetes, because it's not all bad. 

Test Strips, EVERYWHERE!

As a diabetic, do you find that there are test strips everywhere? 

I've come to notice, I leave a trail of test strips where ever I go. It's one of my 'bad diabetic habits', not throwing test strip in the trash where they belong. I usually put them back in my meter holder thingy (whatever that thing is called). 

They tend to fall out every time I open the darn thing, but do I learn? Of course not!

Today, walking out to my car, I noticed something. Three test strips lead the way, from my front door all the way to my car. I'm pretty sure they were all MY test strips! 

How in the world? I've never tested my blood sugar outside, and I always have my meter holder thingy in my purse. So, how are they even outside? I'm guessing they fell out of the trash when taking it out? I guess I do throw some away, eventually. 

Then another thing happened today. I decided it was time to clean out my purse. It was pretty darn horrible. I could never find anything in it, plus there had to be about 15 smashed granola bars in there as well. Hey, you never know when a smashed granola bar is going to come in handy, right? Anyway, I figured it was time to swap them out for some fruit snacks, or I don't know... glucose tabs.  

Once I was done cleaning out my purse I was surprised to find maybe 100, or so, used test strips at the bottom of my purse (ewwww). I guess all the times I opened my tester with it half way in my purse lead to many many test strips falling into the big black hole I call my purse. 

So how about it, are you the kind of diabetic who leaves a trail? Or do you know one that does? 

My New Diabetic Charm Bracelet

Do you like my new diabetic charm bracelet? 

I use to where a medical ID bracelet, religiously, but it broke a couple years ago and I stopped wearing it after that. 

My mother-in-law, who also lives with diabetes, found this charm bracelet on facebook. She order one for both of us. They are really cute and non-expensive. 

You can find them at www.inspiredsilver.com for just 10 dollars. They sale lots of cute jewelry not related to diabetes as well. 

My Current Goals

While I was pregnant with my daughter my diabetes management was right on point. My a1c had never been better. I was on top of my blood sugars and was able to keep them in a very tight range. Staying on top of my diabetes was about the only thing on my mind though - it was draining.

After the birth of my daughter it became a dramatically different story. Since having my little Layla I have not been able to stay in a good range and she will be 3 this year. My doctor who is sadly retiring, has repeatedly told me I need to just get pregnant again so I will be forced to control my diabetes. He doesn't mean this literally, obviously getting pregnant with high blood sugars is never a good idea.

It has been a struggle to put diabetes first though, before taking care of her. For a long time it felt like I had forgotten how to take care of myself all together. I was only 19 when I had my daughter and it was a huge adjustment becoming a mother. I would not change it for the world but it was not easy but I know it's not easy at any age.

I know that I can't take care of her at all if I'm not here though. Tackling this issue is a number one priority in my life now and will continue to be. I'm finally getting back to a place where I feel I can actually do this. I may have been going through a little denial phase after having my little girl.

I just didn't want to think about the testing, bolusing, infusion set, alarms, and trips to the pharmacy. I was just over all of it. I didn't want to be a diabetic, I didn't want to have to constantly think about it. I couldn't and I was done. Like I said, I was in complete denial about how serious this is. Maybe I just needed to rebel against it for a little while.

I recently had a doctors appointment that scared me straight. My a1c was at an all time high and my doctor decided to put me on a daily Asprin to help avoid a future heart attack. HEART ATTACK! I'm only 22, and I was 21 at the time. This broke my heart, I felt this wasn't fair. I would ask myself the question I'm sure many of us has ask, why me?

What is really not fair though would be me putting my daughter in a situation where she could lose her Mom. So now I think to myself...I can do this! I can do better, I've done it before! Plus, I'll do anything you.

Well here I am, trying my hardest to get my control back. My last appointment went better my a1c had come down but still not a place I would like to stay at.

My next appointment is in December and my goal is be under 6.5, I can live with that.

I also plan to lose about 35 pounds. I got married when my daughter was one years old to her very amazing father. I lost weight when getting ready for the wedding, after I guess I just let myself go. I've gained about 30 pounds since getting married and I definitely feel the extra weight has contributed to my spikes in sugar. This is the heaviest I have ever been, beside when I pregnant.

So these are my current goals for a better healthier life style. I'm not using the word 'diet' at all, because I'm not on a diet, I'm simply trying to eat healthier and clean.

Let's Start with an Introduction

My name is Jamie, I've decided to start a blog so I can share my story with others. I've lived with type 1 diabetes since I was 16 and I still don't have it all figured out. It is definitely a roll coaster trying to keep up with all the ups and downs of this disease. Not only do diabetics constantly have to keep up, we have to try to stay one step ahead. It's a never ending battle.

If you live with someone with diabetes or have diabetes yourself you know what I mean when I talk about the 'constant' of diabetes. There is never a decision in my life that diabetes does not have a part in deciding the outcome. 

Living with diabetes is not all bad though. Sometimes it can be lonely, but I've discovered there is a large community out there of people that struggle with the same things I do everyday. A couple years ago I discovered tudiabetes, and it made me feel like I was apart of something so much bigger. 

Regardless of the struggles I have with diabetes, I have an amazing life full of love and laughter. I'm a mother of a beautiful 2 year old girl named Layla. This little bundle of joy is my whole world! I'm married to my high school sweet heart who is by my side no matter what. Not only do I have a family that I'm very passionate about taking care of... I'm also a full time student and work part-time with children who have special needs. 

My plan for this blog is to just put it all out on the table. I know I need to take better care of myself and I know others feels the same way I do. I'm hoping this blog will force me to hold myself accountable and really step up to the plate. 

These two are why I want to push myself to be the best person I can possibly be. Staying on top of my diabetes is one of the biggest thing I can do to be at my best for them. They are also what makes my life with diabetes so amazingly sweet.